The Rudest Wake Up Call

The past three weeks (when I originally wrote this post Dec 30/Jan 1) have been described as a literal hell as one of my dear friends called it.

My mom has been out of work for the past two months due to carpal tunnel in both wrists. This has just been an inconvenience for her and me as she couldn’t do much around the house. In the past week, it has gotten significantly worse to the point where she could not brush her hair or get dressed. I would rush home from work to take care of her, clean the house, and make dinner. What normally would take a few minutes for an able bodied person became a 2-hour process.

This small inconvenience came to a head last Thursday when I was informed by my mom in the last minute that I had to take her to her appointment and miss work. Not only did I have to take her to her appointment, she had to go to the urgent care side after because her feet had swollen so bad that it was interfering with her ability to walk. After two hours wasted, they sent us to the local hospital which is 30 minutes away for an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot.

This Thursday ordeal heightened my week going forward. Not only could my mom not use her hands, she could not use her legs. She spent the next 4 days confined to the bed, only sitting up on the edge of the bed. Because she could not stand up or use her legs as a result of the swelling, pain, and the lack of use, we had to find unique ways for her to go to the bathroom and all of the unpleasantness that goes with that. In a moment, I became 46 instead of 26, cleaning, wiping, and caring for my mom. It was so bad that even she made a comment stating the very same thing.

Christmas night she informed me that we were going to the hospital because she could not take being confined to the bed. After rearranging my plans, we went to the hospital which is always an all-day event, in which it was. From the ER to an observational floor and private room, the questioning continued to figure out what the cause of the swelling was. Mom told me pretty fast that I was not allowed to stay the night with her or come visit her until she was ready to be discharged.

Through the next few days of waiting, my life went on as normal. But instead of coming home to deal with mom, I came home to clean and maintain the cleanliest of the house. In a way, it was a relief that I did not have to deal with her. Her diagnosis was acute gout of the knees which attributed to the swelling and sensitivity in her feet along with the pain. Even though we had answers, there were other problems as well, including her normal medicines that she has been on for high blood pressure and cholesterol, a rash, sores, and the carpal tunnel pain. She was finally discharged yesterday and has been able to walk and function semi-normally thanks to the gout medication.

Through this ordeal, I told my cousin, to never let me get that way. I’ve been thinking over the past few months that I need to take better care of myself, not only just physically, but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I need to self-care myself and take time out for me. These past three weeks have definitely become the rudest wakeup call that I could ever receive. As 2018 begins in two days, I want to make 2018 about me; about taking care of me and losing weight. How can I be a better person, a future wife, a future mother that is there for her family, if I cannot take care of myself and if I cannot maintain my health? I don’t want the same problems that my mom is experiencing at age 61. I don’t want to be overweight my entire life. I don’t want gout or to be immobile. I don’t want someone to have to take care of me or having a talk about being put in a home to be rehabilitated until I could take care of myself.

This blog is a pledge. 2018 is my year. Not only do I want to lose 27 pounds this year, but I want to become healthier through whatever means possible.

Not only for me, but for my students as their youth director;

Not only for me, but for my future husband;

not only for me, but for my future children.

Not only physically, but spiritually because how can I lead my students if I am not leading myself? Not only physically and spiritually, but mentally because self-care is a real need, especially in ministry as many ministers of the gospel are burnt out and are having PTSD.

Not only physically, spiritually, mentally, but also emotionally because ministry is hard and it takes a lot of emotion out of you especially in counseling and having difficult conversations.

“It’s day one of the rest of my life // the future has begun, day one”

Victory Over Death

Today was one of the most beautiful celebrations of a life lived for Christ that I had the privilege of witnessing. Stories were shared along with poems and song, but most of all, the Gospel was shared through her life.

Brooklyn, even though only 16, lived her life for Jesus unapologetically even during one of the hardest diagnosis a then 15-year-old could receive. While she was fighting a battle for her life, she was still poised with grace and humility, putting others above herself and her pain. She cared deeply for her family, her friends, and complete strangers, including the homeless on the streets of Houston while she was traveling back from MD Anderson, whom she would give her leftover food from treatments or take out dinners. Her heart was for those who had nothing and were the least of these.

Her compassion is the reason why thousands of people from our small town and from out of town came last night and this afternoon to pay their respect and honor her life. She has touched and reached thousands as they have heard of her fight, her battle, her miracle. The people sitting in the sanctuary and fellowship hall ranged from 4 or 5 years old to people in their 80’s, Caucasian, African American, Hispanic, jocks, nerds, rednecks, school administration, nurses, neighbors, Christians, those who are not religious, those who knew her personally and those who only knew of her through her battle. Brooklyn’s life bridged all these divisions and brought the community together, the community who supported her, under one roof, to honor her life.

We each are a part of Brooklyn’s Miracle, as she indeed received her miracle: to be cancer free. She fought her battle courageously and received that diagnosis; however, the complications from disease wore her body too far down and the Lord welcomed Brooklyn into Heaven last Wednesday night. In that moment, in that instant, she was completely and perfectly healed, defeating death and conquering over sin through the power of Jesus Christ, who saved Brooklyn from eternal death, by giving her life eternal through His name and her belief in Him. Thousands here and across the USA have heard her story and of her unwavering faith in Jesus and for them to hear the Gospel of Jesus proclaimed, is indeed a miracle that God organized through Brooklyn. For even one to accept Christ because of Brooklyn is indeed the real meaning of Brooklyn’s Miracle.

May we all live as Brooklyn lived: loving God and loving others while being strong and immovable, fighting for our lives daily through the strength that only God can give. And it is only God who gives us the ultimate victory in life and over death. May our lives be the testimony of who God is while we are on this earth, and live with grace, poise, and dignity even in the midst of our battles, so that our lives will be the preaching of our funerals while are alive, and our funerals be the celebration of the greatest homecoming ever imaginable for we have fought the fight, finished the race, and kept the faith.

 

 

Convergence

 

“Trade my comfort for the cross, earthly kingdoms that I gain

All my hopes and dreams I give for the glory of Your name

Every treasure that I hold, I will count it all as loss

My desires I surrender to You

You call my name

To show the world that You are faithful

I will trust in You

All my life for Your Name, for Your glory

All I am for Your kingdom’s cause

Take my heart and be lifted higher

‘Til the whole world sees that You are God

To the broken I will go, let the light of Christ be known

Every poor and weary soul find their hope in You alone

You’re the Life, the Truth, the Way,

You’re the only God who saves

Let the nations find their light in You

Wherever You lead, wherever You go, I will follow You, I will follow You.

Whatever it takes, whatever the cost, I will trust in You, I will trust in You.”

Four weeks ago, I found myself in a room of 14,000 students and youth leaders yelling this song at the top of our lungs at MFUGE. I’ve known this song for four years and when it was sung, I was back in a safe, familiar place. Worship is my love language with the Lord and he always talks to my soul during these moments. When I sang it, I found myself thinking about these words and the implications of my life, especially the bridge: “Wherever You lead, wherever You go, I will follow You, I will follow You. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost, I will trust in You, I will trust in You.” I sang it with abandon, but I also was reserved knowing that God was about to do something in my life that was going to be huge. I did not know what that would be, but this feeling in my soul knew that God was up to something. It was the scariest moment because as we were singing, everything that could happen flashed before my eyes and I did not want to lose what I had.

Alas, I kept singing and told God that this song was my prayer:

“Trade my comfort for the cross, earthly kingdoms that I gain. All my hopes and dreams I give for the glory of Your name. Every treasure that I hold, I will count it all as loss. My desires I surrender to You. You call my name to show the world that You are faithful. I will trust in You. All my life for Your Name, for Your glory. All I am for Your kingdom’s cause. Take my heart and be lifted higher, ’til the whole world sees that You are God.”

What was waiting for me after camp, I could not have fathomed as the theme of Convergence: Two Paths. Choose One, started to play out in my life in a very real way. The Sunday I got back, apparently there were murmurings that I did not know about. By Wednesday, I was sick and exhausted so instead of going to my mom’s church for dinner and their business meeting, I went to bed. When I woke up, I had a handwritten card from her pastor, and then my mom told me that Jonathan had resigned. Hearing that hit me hard in the stomach as I knew it would come but did not know it would be right here in this moment. I thought maybe this was what God was referring to when I sang, “I will trust in You.” Jonathan and his wife Brandi have been so near to me and have helped me so much, more than any other pastor, so naturally my heart was devastated. They will still be in the area, but I know time with them will be few and far between. I joked with them that they could always hire me, which was becoming more of a dream and idea.

While I was with Brandi a week ago, she asked me if I had ever thought about going into counseling for the church and I told her that I had thought about it and some of the conversations that I’ve had to have. This comment was huge because I had never voiced anything to anyone about seriously thinking about counseling classes, but I had thought about it. That idea started for me while I was waiting to move to Texas as I went to the Summit for their seminar on mental health. Then the idea left my mind until my high school Sunday School teacher lost her oldest sister tragically in 2014 and her sister had been a church counselor.  I had even thought of going in to be counseled a few times and had the history paperwork, but it freaked me out too much to actually go through with it. Last Thursday when Brandi mentioned this secret idea of my heart, I wondered if that was the affirmation I needed and if this was the, “I will trust in You” aspect.

Last night was the nail in the coffin per say. I was at work and knew that I needed to check when the Fall semester started for Southern. So during break I did and my heart sunk into my stomach because I saw that classes started that day for Online students. I had not registered, nor paid, nor knew what classes to take next, and here it was, the day classes started. I freaked out. I asked my supervisor for more time and she gave it to me and registered for two classes, and emailed the accounting department to combine both fees into one payment plan. Then I had to email advising to figure out what classes I need to graduate since the classes I needed do not exist according to this year’s catalogue over the one I was going off of. After emails and phone calls back and forth, I had answers but with those answers came more questions than anything.

I found out that my “when will you finish seminary?” answer that I always give of “never” was closer than I thought. With the answers I received, I realized that next December, I could be graduating with my Masters. Never was seriously a year away and it scared me. After this semester, I will have to do hybrid classes for the spring and get ready to move to Louisville if I want to finish my Masters, and either start the summer to lighten my Fall semester or extend into the next Spring term, in which I could stay and get a certificate in Biblical Counseling.

All of this freaks me out but also gave me butterflies in my stomach because of finally finishing and the “moment I have been waiting for” to be something and for the next chapter of my life coming. When I started this journey, I always said that once I get my Masters, I will finally be taken seriously; when I get my Masters, the church I am supposed to be at will appear; when I move to Louisville to finish, I will meet my husband and we will graduate and do ministry together. Here it is, so close and I see none of that. What fills my mind is fear. Fear of leaving Mt. Zion to finish my degree because I have fought so long and so hard to stay because they have wanted me out since day one. Fear of leaving Mt. Zion because of the students that I have been able to minister to and grow with are near and dear to my heart. Fear of leaving Mt. Zion because they have been through so much change in such a short period of time and need stability. Fear of leaving Mt. Zion because there is so much more to be done with these students that finally have started opening up. Fear of leaving FCA at Early College because they have become my students as well and have taken the Gospel to heart. Fear of not having a car to get me to Louisville. Fear of not fitting in since it’s been so long since I’ve been in an academic classroom. Fear of being alone in a new city, in which I’ve done so many times before. Fear of not having enough money to live on my own without having a job; fear of finding a job to get me through. Fear of the next step of church job, future, if I will meet a guy who will become my husband, etc.

This. This was the “Wherever You lead, wherever You go, I will follow You, I will follow You. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost, I will trust in You, I will trust in You” aspect that God brought to my attention during camp.

Do I trust Him to lead me wherever He sees fit and provide for me when it seems impossible by any other means?  To go and follow after Him by moving to a new city to finish and start the rest of my life? To do whatever it takes, including buying a new truck and leaving my part-time factory job, whatever the cost including leaving Mt. Zion and the ministry here to further my future and ministry that God already has planned for me? Do I trust Him? Do I follow Him, especially when it’s all uncertain and I have nothing figured out.

Then I am reminded that this journey started exactly like that my senior year of college, actually a week before graduation. I did not know where I was going or what I was doing. And after talking to my youth ministry professor about our senior project, and him asking me a very pivotal question, I found myself moving to Texas and enrolling in Seminary as it was a requirement but also because it was a desire of my heart that I left unfulfilled and unexplored. Now, four years later, I am at the same precipice. I don’t know what to do. My future is up in the air and all dependent upon God and only God can direct my steps. I guess it still is true what I tell my students all the time, that before I teach them a lesson, God first has to teach it to me. It just God’s humor that we are talking about decisions and making Godly decisions in youth and here is God teaching me the same thing and to actually apply what we have been talking to my own life and walk the walk as I talk the talk:

To apply the above to my life right now; all answers are yes, minus number 8. In addition, a verse that has be claimed as my life verse has once again appeared in my life constantly as it did before I moved to Texas, I believe I know what I must do:

“All my hopes and dreams I give for the glory of Your name. Every treasure that I hold, I will count it all as loss. My desires I surrender to You. You call my name to show the world that You are faithful. I will trust in You. All my life for Your Name, for Your glory. All I am for Your kingdom’s cause. Take my heart and be lifted higher ’til the whole world sees that You are God.”

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

The Cry of A Minister

The moment comes when you cannot do anything.

You cannot say anything.

You cannot think anything.

There is no rational reasoning or simple encouragement you can give.

There is however, a sickening feeling that nestles in your stomach that makes you tear up. If you are lucky, you can lock yourself in your bedroom, hunch down on the floor, and cry to Jesus or pour yourself out on the alter at church, with the lights off, and doors locked.

What does the minister of the Gospel do when this moment comes? Do you blame God? Do you pray to God? Do you mull over Scripture until something jumps off the page? Do you change your curriculum? Do you change your programming? Do you give up?

No, with tears in your eyes, you humbly come before God to pour out your heart to Him until there is nothing left, you pick up your sword as you stand, and go to battle.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹² For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. ¹³ Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ¹⁴ Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ¹⁵ and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; ¹⁷ and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, ¹⁸ praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18 (ESV).

This passage has never rang more true that it does tonight. Tonight, I believe I finally understand this passage and the implications thereof and is my resolve to do battle. Not just for me, but for those under my care and in my circle of influence, as Paul states in 1 Peter 5:2, to shepherd the flock as an example and as Proverbs 27:23 states, to “know the condition of your flock and pay attention to your herds.”

There is a battle that rages on in each of us, and our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and darkness. Satan wants us dead. He wants us to turn our backs away from God and follow after him and he does so cunning and swiftly, thus we need to be on guard and alert, mindful of his schemes (2 Corinthians 2:11, NIV). He is the great deceiver of what God says and how God views us. He convinces us that we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, for anyone to love us, let alone God. He binds us in chains of our past, constantly reminding us that we are failures and that our secrete sins are unique only to us and are too shameful to ever admit to anyone so that we can be free of this bondage in our lives. Those sins are the ones that keep us from fully trusting in God and coming to Him.

Even through all of our baggage, our fears, our doubts, our questions, our inadequacies, our sin,  Jesus beckons us to come. Jesus tells us to come to him, all who are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28). Rest. Rest from the battle, rest from the struggle. Not only will He give us rest, but He gives us the victory! “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” 1 Corinthians 15:57 (ESV). Jesus defeated sin and Satan once and for all and there is a day coming that He will destroy Satan forever! But until that day, we must be watchful! Oh Christian, we must watch out for the schemes of Satan!

But at times, that is not enough. It is not enough to watch or take care to fall into his traps. We must do battle. We must prepare ourselves and actively battle. To do that, we must engage in war, and it will come! Will we be ready when that time comes?

As a Minister of the Gospel, this has become a new revelation. In Christian circles, in churches, we are taught basic truths of Christianity at best and nothing more. In essence, we have been taught that 2+2= 4. (2) God sent Jesus down to earth to die for our sins. He did that through dying on a cross and resurrecting from the grave three days later. (+2) He is coming again to bring those who believe in Him home and judge the world and those that do not believe in Him. (=4)In the meantime, do you believe in Him? He offers eternal life and forgiveness of sins. We know the story and have the basics down. But where the rubber meets the road is, is how does this affect daily life? How does Jesus dying on the cross for my sin and being a Christian help me with major decisions in my life, the loss of friends, the death of a parent, failing a class at school, feeling like a screw-up, the temptation of sin, the enticement of entitlement? There is no application, no practical preparation for war being taught. We know why Jesus came, but we do not know what to do with Him afterwards. We do not know how He is supposed to fit neatly into our neat little lives. Granted, we surrender to Him and He plans and leads our lives because we have submitted our will to Him and our lives then fit to His. But students have not been taught how Jesus applies to them, especially when it comes to the “tough stuff” or the cultural norms. There is a disconnect.

We are sending students and adults out into the world to fight a battle that they are not prepared for. When the battle comes, will they be wounded and surrender? Will they become wounded and need healing to stand and fight again? Or will they be captured and become a P.O.W to Satan’s demise that wars against us? Throughout ministry, there are many that flood the mind who have enlisted, and when faced with their first battle, became wounded and surrendered completely. Their rationale was that God does not care for me because I became wounded, so I quit. Others have been captured and have been P.O.W’s slowly giving up hope of breaking free from their prison of sin and being rescued and brought home. Some have been wounded repeatedly with no end in sight, but have gone to the great Healer, and come back ready for battle.

The moment described at the beginning of this post comes from when you as the shepherd of the flock, hear an eyewitness report of a battle that one of your sheep are fighting and they are starting to lose. They do not see how God can keep them safe and whole. They question their lives, their meaning, their purpose, and their identity of who and whose they are. Satan has enticed them, played with their minds and emotions, manipulated them to think that they are something and someone else. They are becoming a P.O.W and are afraid that they never will recover. They also were unprepared for battle as they knew the plan, but did not have a strategy or the armor to defend themselves. As they are attempting to fight back, the shepherd has to also fight back, stronger and more tactically with them. The greatest reminder to the shepherd defending their flock and their sheep, is that the Chief Shepherd watches and cares and fights for both of them, and will equip them as they do battle.

As the battle rages on, the minister of the gospel needs to take their place in battle, on their knees before the Lord, interceding for their flock at all times, being on guard themselves, so that they can lead their flock through battle victoriously, with sword raised high, tears in their eyes, and the cry of the minister:

⁸ Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. ¹⁰ And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ¹¹ To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:8-11 (ESV).

Battle by Chris August

Song of Moses by Aaron Keyes

 

 

 

 

Time Out

“I’m turning the world off, embracing the silence. Walking away from all the voices that are screaming in my ear. I’ve been too caught up, I’ve been so stressed out. And all of the noise replaced the whisper that used to be so clear. So I close every door and put my face back on the floor. And I’m in Your arms, where I belong. There’s no other place for me than right where You are.” Meredith Andrews “In Your Arms”

*breathe in…….breathe out……*

Sigh…do you ever have one of those days or moments even when your mind will not turn off? I mean at night, I definitely have that problem and was going to be the original post for today, but as I logged in to type it, my mind was screaming at me:

“you only have 3 hours to do work on your paper that is due in two days and in those same 3 hours you still have to write your youth lesson for your youth meeting tonight. Why don’t you get off of Pandora, Facebook, and reading Youth related articles and get to work! Time is wasting! Get off of your blog! You have no time to write a blog post. Do you see the time?! You now only have 2 hours and 58 minutes to do everything before you pick up one of your students and their friend to carry them to a volleyball game before dinner at church and your youth meeting!

Please tell me that you’re stressed and overwhelmed reading my mind? Ok, good. I’m not alone in this.

It is my mind screaming at me and also the constraints on my day that tell me that I don’t have time for God. If I don’t get up at such and such a time, then I will be late for a preconceived time that no one knows but myself, and I will get mad and upset for a time that doesn’t even matter to anyone but myself. So I get up, rush to shower and get dressed, all while figuring out where to eat breakfast and what to do about lunch. Then I pack up my stuff, grab breakfast, get to the library, find a table Hunger Games style, and hunker down until 3:25pm when I pick up a student in my ministry to take her to practice. As soon as I sit down, I plug in my noise canceling headphones (praise God for them!), turn on Pandora, check and answer email, check Facebook, and then start my seminary work or looking up whatever I need to look up. After taking that student to practice, I either go back to the library to finish up whatever I need to, or head home to eat dinner and veg out for a bit or clean the house before I start back on school work in my room or head to bed. All the while, God is on the back burner.

My day is so “planned” that I don’t have time planned for God. Oh, I’ve done things in the name of Jesus throughout my day: encouraging someone on Facebook, sending text messages, going to my students sporting events, doing seminary work, planning and writing lessons, serving at church, listening to Christian music, counseling students, leading youth meetings, etc. But where is my own personal time with the Lord? No where. I was convicted the summer of my junior year during my 3 month Student Ministry Internship in VA after a staff meeting, when I was alone in my “office” and I heard Matthew 7:22-23 in my head:

“On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’”

Ouch…needless to say I was on the floor of my “office” balling my eyes out because I was the one saying, “Lord, did I not prophecy in your name? Did I not do many mighty works in Your name? Did I not love on these students and lead them in worship faithfully each week? Did I not choose songs or share scripture that facilitated who You are?” And He says, “depart from me, I never knew you.”

I have a feeling that is where I am once again in my life. “God, I went to a soccer game to support that one student in my ministry to show him that I care, even though I have no clue about soccer. I take one student to practice every day and go to her games where I talk to her mom. I text students that I haven’t seen or text them to say I hope you have a good week. When I am with them, I try to show them you. When I teach, they need to know Your word so I put everything I can into making sure that happens. I encourage parents and interact with them. God, this isn’t about me. It’s about ministering to them and their families and showing them You. That’s what you called me to do.”

“Why are you working and striving so hard? I never called you to any of that. I called you to come, and follow me. Come and be MY disciple. Remember my Greatest Commandment? ‘Love the LORD your GOD with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.’ You are supposed to love ME with everything you have and then out of the outflow and out of time spent with ME, your neighbor will be loved, those students ministered to, those parents reached, those lessons taught, ministry accomplished.”

“But God…and I know I shouldn’t say but God because that is impossible, ya know the theological implications and all that; however, is that better? However, when I spent time with You, You know I spend like an hour or more talking to you or reading Your word. If I do that in the morning, then I’m late. If I do it at night, I fall asleep. I can do it at the library, but it’s a bit hard to be on my knees in prayer there and kinda awkward, but I can read Your word there. However, I have so much to do.”

“So much that I didn’t call you to do. Spend time with me and everything will align and work it self out. Make me a priority. Rather, make me THE priority. Stop doing things on your own strength. Did you not pay attention in Sunday School this week? That message was for you. Petition Me in Prayer for guidance and help with and in your lessons? Obviously, I want you to go beyond that: spend time with me and out of the overflow of your time with me, everything will get done. Things won’t be as stressful and the planning will ease up. Your joy will return to you and your students will see that. Not just the temporal happiness that you have from everything being done or going according to your plan. But an eternal joy that I give you that you can only receive from spending time with Me. Stop striving, working, worrying, stressing. Just stop and be held by me. Sit at my feet and drink from the water of Life Eternal that easily sustains which I give to you freely, if you only stop, sit, and be refreshed in Me.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“I just looked up today and realized how far away I am from where You are. You gave me life worth dying for but between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more and here I go again. Lord, I know I let You down but somehow, I will make You proud. I’ll turn this sinking ship around and make it back to You. But all my deeds and my good name are just dirty rags that tear and strain to cover all my guilty stains that You already washed away. All You’ve ever wanted, all You’ve ever wanted, all You’ve ever wanted was my heart.”

My Heart’s Desire

For the past month or so, I have been doing a series on Sunday nights with (my) middle school and high school students called “God Story.” God Story was the first theme of MFUGE that I went to as a camper in 2006. It was then I understood that I had a story to tell and that my life and my story mattered. I summed up my experience and what I learned by stating that: we each have a God Story and that God Story is the story that God gave us to tell the world about who He is and what He has done. With that premise, we explored our testimonies. I gave mine, and they worked through theirs. A lot of them took it seriously and some did not finish working on it. I think this is the first time that they have ever had to write it down and really think through their story.

Over the past two weeks, I heard from one of my former students, that her friend unexpectedly died and even though she was not close to him, she still took it pretty hard, to the point of tears, which for her is a huge deal. I texted her and was praying for her and the family. But it made my heart sink to even begin to think, “what if it was her (my former student)?” I had to shake the thought away, because I became emotional. Another former student told me that she was worried about her in that regard, because she did not know where she was with the Lord. I used those emotions to tell (my) current students the importance of their assurance of salvation. Granted, I only was able to tell this to (my) high schoolers, because there was only one middle school student. I used Mark 4 (which was a God moment because I did not remember where this parable was, and when I flipped open my Bible, God turned me right to Mark 4) and the Parable of the Sower. I taught out of Matthew 13, but the God moment definitely made an impact! I explained to them that there are 4 types of people; 4 types of soil and for them to think which one they were. I could see some of them, my group of seniors, really process and think about it.

Then, last night was one of those moments, where if given more time, I would have balled. We had a prayer night for MFUGE, as we leave on Wednesday. I read from Romans 10:1, 8-15, 17 and again referenced the 4 types of people and how they respond by hearing (which is a recent theme God has been showing me through the Parable of the Sower, as well in this passage in Romans 10, where belief and faith come through hearing the Gospel). Romans 10:1 states: “Brothers, my heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved.” I read the context and then told the parents sitting there in the sanctuary, that my heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that these students may be saved. I could have balled right then, but I didn’t. After the students were prayed for by the chaperones and the parents there, they in turn prayed for the chaperones. There were tears flowing from students to chaperones. I was then invited by the Pastor’s family to come to their house for dinner and I accepted the invitation. It was there as we were talking about the students and what I had said during the prayer service (to be intentional in conversation as other students from other churches are not saved, but are coming to camp), that we started talking about the salvation of (our) students. They mentioned one girl and the tears started to come as did the questions. She was active in youth, somewhat of a leader, can answer deep questions, and assisted me in VBS and also was a student in my VBS classroom. But they said that they don’t ever remember her making a public profession of faith. I read her testimony. Granted, none of them said “at this day, or this moment, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord.” But still, I was in disbelief, even though I should not have been. The Pastor said that she was afraid to come down front, even though they have talked about it and to her parents. I really started to pray that this week at camp, she will make that decision public.

This morning as I have been catching up on my lectures for seminary, I was watching the Hebrews lecture, which should have been watched 3 weeks ago…..(clears throat) and my professor mentioned absolutely everything that I have written above! He mentioned Mark 4 and the Parable of the Sower and then read Hebrews 6:4-8 and explained: “This passage (really starting in 6:1) is addressing people who appear to be Christians, not those who can lose their salvation. They give evidence of being a Christian, have been a part of Christian community, and even experienced Christian blessings, but at the end of the day, are not truly saved.” He elaborated more on this statement, but I could not pause my lecture fast enough and long enough to get everything he said about this statement written down. The fact that he mentioned this coupled with the conversation I had last night at the Pastor’s house, I was in tears. He had just described this student; and most of the youth in (my) ministry. Within that moment, God started working in my heart, flooding my mind with statements and ideas and prayers. This week at camp is going to be pivotal! First, it is my first big event as their Youth Director. Second, this is my first time going to MFUGE as a Youth Director and not as a student, as MFUGE is a huge part of my story and testimony. Third, I need to take every opportunity to facilitate the Spirit moving in the lives of these students, especially in Church Group Devotions, as many are like the passage in Hebrews 6; they appear to be Christians and have been apart of Christian community and experienced blessings, but are not truly saved.

I did not know how much me reading Romans 10:1 last night was going to impact me today! This is the verse I am clinging to with full hope, promise, and expectation of God to move and work in these students! It is my heart’s desire and prayer that they may be saved! Not because of me, the work I do, the lessons I teach, the activities I do, but because of God and their need for a Savior.

“For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord, will be saved. But how are they to call on him whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in Him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘how beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!’ So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.” Romans 10:13-15,17.

Pain is necessary, and suffering is useful

Broken is beautiful and I am thankful for my friend and fellow sister in the faith who allows this deep look into her life. It makes it a little bit more real and raw in my opinion as I personally know her. Broken is beautiful when grace sings the melody.

Life is tough, write a blog.

When someone argues against what you believe,

it does not create doubt.

When things happen that seem to contradict what you thought was true,

it does not create doubt.

Doubt exists because of a lack of confidence.

Insecurity is doubt.

It is when you yourself question what you thought you believe, that you realize you have doubts.

If you have read any of my prior blogs you know I write a lot about grace.

My story, which is involved in a lot of what I write, involves a transformation from legalism to freedom.

Following law to freedom in grace.

I was bound to a set of rules I couldn’t follow, and led to freedom by the people who told me I don’t have to follow the rules anymore.

My hope went from my ability to “get better” and “do things right”, to a hope that…

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