“I’m turning the world off, embracing the silence. Walking away from all the voices that are screaming in my ear. I’ve been too caught up, I’ve been so stressed out. And all of the noise replaced the whisper that used to be so clear. So I close every door and put my face back on the floor. And I’m in Your arms, where I belong. There’s no other place for me than right where You are.” Meredith Andrews “In Your Arms”

*breathe in…….breathe out……*

Sigh…do you ever have one of those days or moments even when your mind will not turn off? I mean at night, I definitely have that problem and was going to be the original post for today, but as I logged in to type it, my mind was screaming at me:

“you only have 3 hours to do work on your paper that is due in two days and in those same 3 hours you still have to write your youth lesson for your youth meeting tonight. Why don’t you get off of Pandora, Facebook, and reading Youth related articles and get to work! Time is wasting! Get off of your blog! You have no time to write a blog post. Do you see the time?! You now only have 2 hours and 58 minutes to do everything before you pick up one of your students and their friend to carry them to a volleyball game before dinner at church and your youth meeting!

Please tell me that you’re stressed and overwhelmed reading my mind? Ok, good. I’m not alone in this.

It is my mind screaming at me and also the constraints on my day that tell me that I don’t have time for God. If I don’t get up at such and such a time, then I will be late for a preconceived time that no one knows but myself, and I will get mad and upset for a time that doesn’t even matter to anyone but myself. So I get up, rush to shower and get dressed, all while figuring out where to eat breakfast and what to do about lunch. Then I pack up my stuff, grab breakfast, get to the library, find a table Hunger Games style, and hunker down until 3:25pm when I pick up a student in my ministry to take her to practice. As soon as I sit down, I plug in my noise canceling headphones (praise God for them!), turn on Pandora, check and answer email, check Facebook, and then start my seminary work or looking up whatever I need to look up. After taking that student to practice, I either go back to the library to finish up whatever I need to, or head home to eat dinner and veg out for a bit or clean the house before I start back on school work in my room or head to bed. All the while, God is on the back burner.

My day is so “planned” that I don’t have time planned for God. Oh, I’ve done things in the name of Jesus throughout my day: encouraging someone on Facebook, sending text messages, going to my students sporting events, doing seminary work, planning and writing lessons, serving at church, listening to Christian music, counseling students, leading youth meetings, etc. But where is my own personal time with the Lord? No where. I was convicted the summer of my junior year during my 3 month Student Ministry Internship in VA after a staff meeting, when I was alone in my “office” and I heard Matthew 7:22-23 in my head:

“On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’”

Ouch…needless to say I was on the floor of my “office” balling my eyes out because I was the one saying, “Lord, did I not prophecy in your name? Did I not do many mighty works in Your name? Did I not love on these students and lead them in worship faithfully each week? Did I not choose songs or share scripture that facilitated who You are?” And He says, “depart from me, I never knew you.”

I have a feeling that is where I am once again in my life. “God, I went to a soccer game to support that one student in my ministry to show him that I care, even though I have no clue about soccer. I take one student to practice every day and go to her games where I talk to her mom. I text students that I haven’t seen or text them to say I hope you have a good week. When I am with them, I try to show them you. When I teach, they need to know Your word so I put everything I can into making sure that happens. I encourage parents and interact with them. God, this isn’t about me. It’s about ministering to them and their families and showing them You. That’s what you called me to do.”

“Why are you working and striving so hard? I never called you to any of that. I called you to come, and follow me. Come and be MY disciple. Remember my Greatest Commandment? ‘Love the LORD your GOD with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.’ You are supposed to love ME with everything you have and then out of the outflow and out of time spent with ME, your neighbor will be loved, those students ministered to, those parents reached, those lessons taught, ministry accomplished.”

“But God…and I know I shouldn’t say but God because that is impossible, ya know the theological implications and all that; however, is that better? However, when I spent time with You, You know I spend like an hour or more talking to you or reading Your word. If I do that in the morning, then I’m late. If I do it at night, I fall asleep. I can do it at the library, but it’s a bit hard to be on my knees in prayer there and kinda awkward, but I can read Your word there. However, I have so much to do.”

“So much that I didn’t call you to do. Spend time with me and everything will align and work it self out. Make me a priority. Rather, make me THE priority. Stop doing things on your own strength. Did you not pay attention in Sunday School this week? That message was for you. Petition Me in Prayer for guidance and help with and in your lessons? Obviously, I want you to go beyond that: spend time with me and out of the overflow of your time with me, everything will get done. Things won’t be as stressful and the planning will ease up. Your joy will return to you and your students will see that. Not just the temporal happiness that you have from everything being done or going according to your plan. But an eternal joy that I give you that you can only receive from spending time with Me. Stop striving, working, worrying, stressing. Just stop and be held by me. Sit at my feet and drink from the water of Life Eternal that easily sustains which I give to you freely, if you only stop, sit, and be refreshed in Me.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“I just looked up today and realized how far away I am from where You are. You gave me life worth dying for but between the altar and the door, I bought the lies that promised more and here I go again. Lord, I know I let You down but somehow, I will make You proud. I’ll turn this sinking ship around and make it back to You. But all my deeds and my good name are just dirty rags that tear and strain to cover all my guilty stains that You already washed away. All You’ve ever wanted, all You’ve ever wanted, all You’ve ever wanted was my heart.”